Counselors and ad litems. CASA volunteers and training experts. But the most important pieces of the puzzle are the kids and the people who care for them, the foster parents. Like an offensive lineman, nothing works unless they are good at their job. They are the frontline of protection. They are critical, imperative, and essential to making the whole thing work. They are truly remarkable individuals and families. It is true the occasional bad foster parent slides through the cracks and negatively impacts the life of a child but those cases are infrequent and becoming even more so.
The good far outweighs the bad. The foster parents who care go through hours and hours of training each year, their houses are inspected by strangers and their parenting style questioned occasionally by a fresh out of college caseworker without children. They are sometimes looked at as money grabbing babysitters or kid hoarders. Despite these sour notes, these caring individuals dredge on, changing the lives of the kids who pass through their doorway.
I have the good fortune of meeting and speaking with hundreds of truly loving foster parents each year. My affinity for great foster parents is well documented. I was an angry kid when I showed up on the doorstep of Richard and Maxine Black. I stood there judging them as day turned to night. Cigarette hanging from my mouth, torn Nirvana shirt on my chest and angry music blaring through the headphones that wrapped my face.
I peered at them through the greasy strands of hair that covered my eyes. They smiled. I stared through them as they sat me down at their dinner table. I sighed and rolled my eyes as they went over the rules of the house. I kept quiet as they tried to pry information from me. I stomped from the room and out the door when I was told I was dismissed. It was the dead of winter when I walked out the door. I asked for a shovel and directions to the nearest basketball court. I thought about running away.
I thought about how I got to this strange place, this strange town. I thought about how damn cold I was. I shoveled off half of the court and warmed my hands.
The music pumping into my head was angry but I was becoming less so. The ball bounced on the frozen ground and under the shine of a lone street light, I shot and I shot and I shot. I shot until the tears on my face had become icicles. I shot until I forgot who I was. I walked back into the door of that foreign house, dirty, tired, and less angry but still not ready to talk to anyone. I was shown my room that I would share with a kid who looked angrier than I did.
But after a while the difficulties of my past manifested in bulimia and depression. At age 17 I moved out. After the breakdown of the placement, Jenny made it clear that her door was always open. She was true to her word and we are still in touch today. As a child I came to her afraid, having been deprived of every liberty and associating home with violence and neglect.
I remembered sharing a room with other children. In my first family there were only four of us, but with my second family there were seven children and it was never very personal or intimate. I felt like a leftover and like a piece of shit that was being carried around from family to family.
I would have appreciated more dialogue and discussions, and explanations about what was happening. I learned a lot of bad things from the kids who were living in the same family some were from violent backgrounds and sometimes I was scared so I locked my bedroom door at night. My first mum was very close to me and I know she would love to hear from me today. I had a good experience in foster care. I had two sets of carers over a year, both of whom cared very deeply for me.
Did social services always get it right? Neither did my foster parents. But nobody is infallible, and on the whole, I had a good childhood. Children thrive when they have warm, reliable relationships with caregivers. Relationships and trust take time and patience to develop. But as children learn to feel comfortable with you and settle into their foster homes, some of their behaviour and emotional issues might go away. In the meantime, feeling safe and secure can help foster children adjust to their situations.
To help children feel safe and secure, you can:. Our behaviour management tips and tools can help you encourage appropriate behaviour and deal with challenging behaviour in positive, constructive ways. You can also read 15 tips to encourage good behaviour. It can often be good for foster children to have contact with their parents and other family members. For example, family contact might help children to:.
But family contact can be challenging and emotionally complex , both for foster children and for you. You can play an important role in helping family contact go well, just by supporting and encouraging family contact. We always try to have contact with the parents.
Most are pretty good once they come to terms with the fact that their child is living with another family. Sometimes we go to a park or a community house for contact. It can sometimes be hard to cover the costs of caring for foster children, particularly for children with additional needs. Create Foundation represents children and young people in out-of-home care.
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